Playing House

I have never aspired to be anything great in my life; as all little kids do I had things I wanted to be when I grew up. Those things changed every other day, and even as I got older I had absolutely NO idea what I wanted to 'be'. Being very creative minded, I was constantly coming up with new ideas but I would never stick to those thoughts for very long. I become very easily bored with things and always wanted something new and exciting! There was, however, one thing that I always, always wanted to be and I played it nearly every day as a little girl. That was being a mom.

I had my own little house equipped with baby dolls, a stove, fake food, and all that was needed to run a household. I innocently called it my "compartment" (rather than apartment) and I would take my dolls for walks and carefully dress them up. One day I even buried one in a plastic bag to "keep her warm" much to my parents amusement.

Now at 22 years of age I am no longer merely playing house, it is very much a reality! Being a mommy is something I could only ever pretend and dream about my entire childhood. I really don't know why I had such a strong desire to be a mom all growing up. It may be that I had a great adoptive mother myself, who stayed home with us, schooled us, and loved us unconditionally. I no longer have to hold a plastic doll with eyes that only open and close if you make them; I have the absolute privilege of holding my own sweet baby girl Tenley!

I never knew it would be possible to love someone so much. Of course I am head over heels in love with my amazing husband and best friend but loving a child is so different. Having been adopted myself, I never had a real mother-daughter bond which makes my relationship with Tenley that much more special. I generally have difficulty becoming attached to others but it has been so natural with Tenley. It brings me such joy to make her laugh and to be needed by her.

In short, I LOVE being a mom. At times it can feel like I'm not good enough because I don't get awards or accolades from others. But their approval shouldn't matter. What should matter is that I am doing my absolute BEST to raise a smart, BEAUTIFUL, independent, young lady! I know in my heart that I am a good mom, and I am so incredibly thankful that I have the honor of being Tenley's mommy everyday. Yes, it saddens me to think that my own birth mom did not make the choice to keep me. Being painfully aware of everything she missed in my childhood makes me appreciate being able to watch my little lady grow up. I've gotten to enjoy her first steps, see her own little sense of humor emerge, and cherish the little "kisses" she gives us. Such a gift!

So to all the moms that read this: if you're tired from sleepless nights, sick of seeing your house strewn with toys, or annoyed at the child constantly pulling on you just remember. Remember that we are BLESSED to love these little munchkins and remember that many women like my birth mother didn't even really have the chance to.

Blessings to all

Esther

I have thought about blogging for a long time, my excuse is I haven't really sat down and taken the time but truthfully I haven't done it because I wonder who would REALLY be interested in reading something I wrote. Another truth is that I am fearful of letting you see inside my head, my heart and my soul, I want my blog to mean more than just what I do in my day to day life. I want it to be a place where I can openly vent and share my life's experiences with all of you so that hopefully in some way it may be an encouragement. Being only 22 years of age you may be thinking "OK, really what kind of experiences could she POSSIBLY have?" I have many, believe me, but I won't just share them all out at once. Hmmm, well where should I start? Well I guess I will start with something that has recently come up.

For those of you who read my Facebook page I recently met one of my birth sister's and found my birth mom. Being adopted is so much of my life's story, how could it not be, who I am and what I have gone through and dealt with stems from the choice my birth mom made. I will try to make a looooong story short so as to not lose your attention to quickly:)

About two years ago I decided to type my birth sisters name into Facebook and see what came up, I only had a baby picture of her so merely going by that and the face of a now 21 year old was all I had. I sent her a message giving her details on our birth mom asking if she was really my sister, she responded that she was. We emailed back and forth for the past few years until recently I flew out to CA to see my in-laws and we were able to meet face to face. I was very nervous but so very excited to finally be able to meet one of my blood siblings! She is such a sweet, fun loving person, I was so blessed to find her and be able to start a relationship with her after 20 years.

As for my birth mother ever since I was little I wanted to find her, as of a year ago I resigned myself that I never wanted to find her. Needless to say that changed one day, I don't know why but it did. I had my parents send me all the adoption paperwork and I let me tell you it wasn't just a few neatly stapled together documents! It was a STACK of hundreds of papers and reports from Social Workers, etc. I read over everything and was able to find my birth mom's most current residence with an old address she had put down on the paperwork. Finding that she was still living and that I had found her was exhilarating but terrifying at the same time. I wanted to write her a letter immediately because I know if I didn't I would regret for the rest of my life not making contact. I have yet to write the letter, it is something I still want to do but once I open that door it will forever be opened.

Finding her has filled me with the most mixed emotions I have ever had, on one hand I feel this incredible longing to know her, to see her and hear her voice. On the other, I feel nothing for her, she didn't feed me or kiss my "boo-boos", put up with my stubbornness and sacrifice her wants day after day to take care of me. Amazing how you can have such an incredible bond with someone you have never met simply because they gave you life. Knowing that she is alive has also brought up so much anger that I have felt and pushed down deep inside me my entire life. I constantly think why did she give me up, why didn't she fight for me, why didn't she love me enough, why did she make the choice to keep her addiction to do drugs over me? WHY, WHY, WHY? It baffles me when I look at my own little baby girl who I love and adore more than anything in this world and think how could my mom not want that?? I fight through these thoughts and emotions day after day, so that is why I still have not had the mind to sit down and write a letter. Where would I even start, I have no idea....

I don't expect people to understand or even sympathize with what I am going through, but I want to share my story with you to help myself learn to be vulnerable and hopefully all that I have gone through wasn't for nothing and can be used to help in someway.